Virtual friends no substitute for the real thing: Terry Pluto

By Terry Pluto

October 10, 2009, 6:00AM

A few weeks ago, I heard one person ask another, "Are we friends?"

It caught my attention because I was pretty sure these two people werefriends. But as they continued, it was clear they were talking about whether they were Internet friends on Facebook.

It is a good question, though: "Are we friends?"

"People probably don't have as many friends as they used to, at least not face-to-face friends," said the Rev. Diana Swoope, pastor of Arlington Church of God.

Swoope said that being on Facebook has helped her find old friends and keep up with more people than before. But the Internet also can be a wall to friendship.

"It should be a bridge, another way to connect with people," said Swoope. "But it shouldn't take the place of real, in-person contact."

"Or even a phone conversation," said the Rev. Bruce Riebe of Brecksville's St. Joseph Byzantine Orthodox Church. "I find myself answering emails with people, and thinking that we really should be doing this at least by phone. We are talking about some serious stuff here."

Confession time: Virtually all of my communication with readers is via email. As I write this, I have 174 emails from readers that have arrived since the firing of Tribe manager Eric Wedge and the Browns' decision to change quarterbacks. Email seems the only way to touch base with most.

"We communicate with more people, but how many do we really know that well?," asked the Rev. Bob Stec of St. Ambrose Church in Brunswick. "There is a hunger for real, authentic relationships."

I have watched people sitting 15 feet apart, emailing each other. It can be fun, but I wonder if something else is going on, if people find it more comfortable to simply type short notes to each other.

"We see many people texting, and doing it in code," said Swoope. "But you can't talk to someone in code. With all the BTWs and LOLs -- it's not the real deal."

Once, Swoope texted "LOL" to a young friend who was at a hospital watching a parent die. The teenager was outraged. To her, LOL meant Lots Of Laughs. Swoope thought it meant Lots Of Love.

In emails, we can't hear the tone of voice. We can't see facial expressions. On Facebook, we can wipe out someone who wants to be our friend, and there's a Web site to tell you how it's done without that person knowing. Another site offers to "sell you friends" if you think you don't have enough on Facebook.

"We are missing out on so much when we do everything on line," said Stec.

Riebe talked about how Jesus made time for people, be it the rejected woman at the well, the disgraced tax collectors or his often befuddled disciples. He went to parties and weddings. He debated with religious leaders. He could have spent most of his time preaching to huge crowds -- which he did -- but it seemed his real mission was to touch people individually, or in small groups.

Genuine friendship takes time, takes work and takes patience. Friends say and do dumb things to each other. So forgiveness plays a huge role.

"It's worth it because there are times in all our lives when we need flesh and blood friends," said Stec.

That can be simply sitting with someone in a hospital waiting room, at a funeral parlor, at a movie or a ballgame. Good friends can be together and hardly say a word, but still feel close.

"When your back is against the wall and a crisis has hit, you need people to sit with you, to pray with you, to help you," said Swoope. "Living in a virtual, online world won't help you."